Getting off a train

There is a number of pet hates I have, I'll admit it freely and say it has something to do with being middle aged. But these personal moans and groans actually do get more emphasised in their significance. They just grow. And then grow some more. Hence this blog. But imagine this, you're on a train and about to disembark at the next station so you go to the doors. The train is still moving but has slowed down because now it is entering the station, and you got up from your seat early because you wanted to be the first one off. The train slows down more, you're in the station and in just a moment it will stop. You know when it stops you will press the door button straight away so they can open. However, here's the biggy, when the train comes to a halt you can see people on the platform also heading towards the doors. Perhaps even one particular individual, like a man in a shirt, tie, nicely pressed trousers but a kind of dumb look on his face. This man then in anticipation of the doors open stands immediately in front of them. Right in the middle of the two as they slide open ready to jump on. He has only one consideration, getting on the train and getting to work. You have only one consideration getting off the train and getting to work. So what do you do?

You can squeeze to one side and let this man push right through the middle of the open doorway and onto the train. Yet, he is at a disadvantage here because the train is not level with the platform and is slightly above the platform level. Which gives you a superior viewpoint. You could let everyone who wants to get on the train crowd in past you while you stand to one side then jump off when the coast is clear. You could stand back then take a run and jump just as the doors open crashing straight into the dumb looking fellow. Now this is a wonderful idea which unfortunately could have it's repercussions, especially if you find yourself getting into a fist fight. Another strategy might be to act crazy, sing out loud to yourself, something anyone would want to avoid and let you get off first. Alternatively put your hand in your pocket take out your mobile phone and pretend to be speaking to someone. And say into the phone something of the like "I am getting off now, just have to negotiate the fecking idiot standing in front of the train door" I like this one and haven't done it yet but it's definitely high on my possibility list. Or pick up a paper, or perhaps book and stand with the reading material in front of you as you slowly keep walking forward, very slowly as if you are engrossed in the book and the morons trying to get on the train have to be rude and actually push past, but you make sure to give them a good stubborn shoulder as they do so. I like this one as well and have done a little shouldering I'll admit. Then next and final strategy, one which I use most of the time. Is to pick on the most impatient and eager person about to push their way onto the train. Then very slowly step directly in front of them. Their usual move is then perhaps a slight side step, just enough so as to allow you to side step the other side away from them. But their side stepping is a reluctant one, it's not a generous one which says "sorry mate, you go first." My next move is simplicity in itself and I am sure very irritating to the idiots. I do the same small side step exactly to the side they were went. This means there is now no movement from the over zealous idiot who really wanted to get on the train first. But the best part of all is, at this stage I have now stepped off the train and there is a space, just enough to one side where other people on the platform can squeeze onto the train. It is a brilliant move on my behalf and I must admit to getting a perverse pleasure out of it, even if it slows me down for a brief second on my journey to work. Brilliant.

The thing is, British Rail as it used to be known, once issued announcements just before you got off a train. It would tell people on the platform in simple to understand words "please let the passengers off the train first before you get on." Maybe the PA systems have got sore throats, maybe the common courtesy of good manners and common sense as well has now evaporated. But let it be known, any idiot, regardless of tie and suit, race, gender, religion, sexual orientation or what have, any idiot who decides to rush the doors as they open and it just happens they are the doors I am getting off the train, well they may just learn the art of being rumbled. Spread the word all ye gentle persons who have had enough of stupidity and give it a try.